I was blind...but now I see.

From time to time I read things I've written in the past.  I think it's important to remember where you've been. What you've been brought out of.  My bible study I did today talked about witnessing.  It talks about how when Paul witnessed, it wasn't his keen intellect or his ability to speak that gave him confidence in preaching the gospel, it was the Holy Spirit guiding him.  The following is an entry in my journal from April 11, 2008.  Eleven days after I arrived in Auburn. Still a little...coo coo. 

"Ironically enough my addictions in life are the only things that never seem to abandon me.  They are always there.  They're all I have. Without them, I'm 100% alone, and I'm not sure I could bear that.  Who would want to love someone as delusional as that?  I lie to convince myself not to end it all.  I lie to convince others not to think I'd be right to do so.  I don't exist in the truth, therefore I do not speak it. I could love someone like me.  That to me, is ironic."

It's not easy to be so open.  Those words are from the darkest time in my life but I believe it's important for people to know that it's never too late. You're never too gone. Another great verse that was mentioned in the bible study was John 9:25.  A blind man Jesus had healed with was able to simply and effectively express the facts of his experience.  "Whether he is a sinner or not, I do not know.  One thing I do know is, I was blind and now I see." 

PEACE

How much longer....

At some point during my transformation, I unwittingly prayed for patience.  In my mind, I imagined God sending the patience fairy down to me that very night while I was sleeping. He/She would sprinkle me with patient dust, maybe leave me some candies in various places, do a load of whites and get back to his/her route.  I would wake up the next morning, get stopped by trains, have to use a pharmacy, maybe even go to the DMV and none of those things would phase me because my patience dust was in tact.  My advice for you is simple: DO NOT pray for patience unless you're ready for God to give you opportunities to acquire patience. There are no fairies. There is no dust. No candies. Just things that tick you off. 

I went to the hospital at 7a.m. for my portacath (the thing i'll be getting chemo through) to be placed inside my chest.  8a.m. I'm called from the waiting room and put into a semi-private hospital room, given a gown and an I.V. and told they would be coming to get me shortly for my procedure.  At 10a.m. I was told that it would be within the hour.  Now, keep in mind, I hadn't been allowed to eat of drink anything since midnight the night before because I would be put  to sleep during the procedure.  11 comes and goes. As does noon. By 1:00 I was ready to snatch out my I.V and run down the hall, gown blowing in the wind, the staff eating my dust. I was so frustrated.  Finally, at 2p.m, 7 hours after my arrival, I was taken back to (get this) another holding area where I waited another 30 minutes being prepped and whatnot.  Now, I'm still trying to hold it together but I won't lie, I was not a happy camper. I was unpleasant to say the least.  The nurse in the holding area and I started talking about what could have POSSIBLY happen that would've taken as long as it did.  A man went into surgery and was going to have his cancer removed.  However, when they opened him up, it was everywhere.  I'm not sure if they were able to do anything for him or if they sewed him up and referred him to hospice. I do know at that moment, I was thankful that my biggest problem that day was waiting.  And waiting and waiting.  12 hours after I arrived at the hospital, I arrived home.  1 Thessalonians 5:18 says "Give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Jesus Christ." My surgery went perfectly, I'll start chemo in a week. I have a long way to go in the patience department. But I'm thankful. 

PEACE

Where it began...

Almost 4 months ago, I left Bossier City for Auburn, AL.  The past few years by life has been way off track.  My trip to Auburn was an act of desperation.  I felt like if I didn't leave soon, I would be dead, and what was scary is I wasn't sure I cared if I was.  Sin is a funny thing.  Once it gets it's foot in the door, before you know it, you've been completely handed over to your sin (Romans 1) and you're in a total state of darkness. And boy was I.  My first year of college I became addicted to drugs and most of the lifestyle that surrounds it.  I attempted to get clean September of last year but relapsed in early 2008.  I hearted speed. On April 1st 2008 I drove all night (9hrs) to Auburn to my Carter's. A wonderful family I met back when I was 14 while in my youth group.  Only by the grace of God did they take me in, made me part of their family, and allowed me to regroup.  I had no idea how long I would stay or if it would be beneficial to anyone. I came with the mindset that my way hadn't yet worked for me so I was willing to give God another shot. Maybe even a real shot.  I began going to church with them and studying the bible regularly and poof...not really poof I gotta long way to go, but here I am now, writing about the grace of God and how He saved my life.  My happiness is no longer depending on people or drugs or things.  It is invested solely in Him and my joy is in the Lord.  Those of you who knew me over the last few years mouth's probably just dropped. And you're why I'm writing...keep reading.  

July 2, 2008 I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma.  Cancer. What the crap, right?  Finally, I get my life together and now this.  I can't tell you why I'm going through this yet. I can tell you HOW.  Nothing is chance or accident.  I fully believe I went to Auburn to be physically and spiritually ready for the battle I'm up against.  This cancer is fully beatable and I have an amazing group of family and friends rallying behind me.  This may sound strange but a part of me is excited to see what all good can come of this.  My God is bigger than this and I'm taking it in stride.  So this blog will be my journal through this time.  I hope those who read it understand that I am seeking no pity, nor am I seeking a pat on the back.  I'm simply trying to shed some light on a dark situation.  

PEACE