Sand Pits are the Worrrrrrrst

We've all heard the term "it's all in your head," meaning it isn't as bad as you think.  You've just blown it up so much so now that of course you can't imagine being able to overcome it.  In the past, I've secretly patted myself of the back for being able to keep a level head in very overwhelming situations.  I think that's a sort of personality trait that is a combination of it being innate and then also having acquired it throughout different parts of life.  For example, having way too much responsibility at a stinkin' daycare for 4 years tends to enhance a natural ability to manage chaos. This is not really something I'm proud of but doing drugs for a significant amount of time surprisingly increases the ability to overcome a panic worthy moment as well.

Basically, these last few days...maybe even weeks, my situation, the chemo, it's in my head big time.  There is very little managing of the chaos in my life right now that doesn't require a prescription.  I just had my 7th of 12 treatments and to be cancer free and still have to put your body through complete torture is I guess part of the torture. I've had my fair share of run ins with people and had my heart broken but I wouldn't wish chemo on anyone.  Except maybe like...baby killers, no one I know.

We don't have to go into the details but in a nut shell, I'm ready to blow this taco stand.  These last few days I've given actual thought to not completing treatment.  Crazy right?  If you know me though, you know I'm going "Dude, I don't have cancer anymore, its all good."  I thought the first 6 would be the hardest. Wrong.  It's in my head.  

A good friend of mine described me as being in a staring contest with God.  Because I don't get why this is happening.  I have those thoughts of being so pissed and I think I'm a terrible person because I'm supposed to be thankful that my situation is SO ideal.  Because it is.  And I am thankful.  But I still don't fully get what this is supposed to all be about and at this point, I'm worried I might miss it because I'm so ready to be done.  Like I said, it's in my head.       

There is a reason that I've been made to be so still these past months.  To be so confined and limited.  To be so completely vulnerable in areas of my life that I had allowed to be so cold for so long.  

In my high school if you played varsity sports you had to participate in "Athletic P.E."  Which meant instead of getting to nail people with a dodgeball, you got to start practice the last hour of school instead of when school was out.  It consisted mainly of weight lifting and running and sit ups and all these terrible gay drills that should've been a college football workout but whatever.  Go southern schools and sports. Ugh. It would easily be 100 degrees and we would have to run all up and down the stadiums like 5 times and when we were done, the coaches would be like "Alright, get on in that there sand pit." Which then meant we had to do even more incredible knee high hops, only now...in the sand.  Needless to say I had an Albuterol inhaler strapped to my chest. My point, every single time I got done with running stadiums I would think "there is no possible way ever that can get in those sand pits and come out alive." But every time....I did.  And it wasn't pretty.  But I survived.  And I remember thinking that you really don't know how far you can be pushed and how much you can endure until you just have to.  So I am trudging forward, not thrilled about it.  Just keeping my eye on the prize. 

MUCHLOVE