Sand Pits are the Worrrrrrrst

We've all heard the term "it's all in your head," meaning it isn't as bad as you think.  You've just blown it up so much so now that of course you can't imagine being able to overcome it.  In the past, I've secretly patted myself of the back for being able to keep a level head in very overwhelming situations.  I think that's a sort of personality trait that is a combination of it being innate and then also having acquired it throughout different parts of life.  For example, having way too much responsibility at a stinkin' daycare for 4 years tends to enhance a natural ability to manage chaos. This is not really something I'm proud of but doing drugs for a significant amount of time surprisingly increases the ability to overcome a panic worthy moment as well.

Basically, these last few days...maybe even weeks, my situation, the chemo, it's in my head big time.  There is very little managing of the chaos in my life right now that doesn't require a prescription.  I just had my 7th of 12 treatments and to be cancer free and still have to put your body through complete torture is I guess part of the torture. I've had my fair share of run ins with people and had my heart broken but I wouldn't wish chemo on anyone.  Except maybe like...baby killers, no one I know.

We don't have to go into the details but in a nut shell, I'm ready to blow this taco stand.  These last few days I've given actual thought to not completing treatment.  Crazy right?  If you know me though, you know I'm going "Dude, I don't have cancer anymore, its all good."  I thought the first 6 would be the hardest. Wrong.  It's in my head.  

A good friend of mine described me as being in a staring contest with God.  Because I don't get why this is happening.  I have those thoughts of being so pissed and I think I'm a terrible person because I'm supposed to be thankful that my situation is SO ideal.  Because it is.  And I am thankful.  But I still don't fully get what this is supposed to all be about and at this point, I'm worried I might miss it because I'm so ready to be done.  Like I said, it's in my head.       

There is a reason that I've been made to be so still these past months.  To be so confined and limited.  To be so completely vulnerable in areas of my life that I had allowed to be so cold for so long.  

In my high school if you played varsity sports you had to participate in "Athletic P.E."  Which meant instead of getting to nail people with a dodgeball, you got to start practice the last hour of school instead of when school was out.  It consisted mainly of weight lifting and running and sit ups and all these terrible gay drills that should've been a college football workout but whatever.  Go southern schools and sports. Ugh. It would easily be 100 degrees and we would have to run all up and down the stadiums like 5 times and when we were done, the coaches would be like "Alright, get on in that there sand pit." Which then meant we had to do even more incredible knee high hops, only now...in the sand.  Needless to say I had an Albuterol inhaler strapped to my chest. My point, every single time I got done with running stadiums I would think "there is no possible way ever that can get in those sand pits and come out alive." But every time....I did.  And it wasn't pretty.  But I survived.  And I remember thinking that you really don't know how far you can be pushed and how much you can endure until you just have to.  So I am trudging forward, not thrilled about it.  Just keeping my eye on the prize. 

MUCHLOVE

Oh Happy Day-whoopi goldberg, sister act 2

What started out as a normal chemo day quickly turned into so much more. I wish I could say I got out of bed and was thankful for another day, but at 7:12 AM, I'm not thankful for much.  I choked down a bowl of cherrios hoping that'd do the trick and my dad and I went to the ole Feist Weiller...my home away from home.  When you go in for a treatment, just be ready to spend 5 hours. Every time.  Like clock work baby. It takes a while because I have to have my lab work done to make sure that my body can even withstand chemo that particular day, then I see the doctor, then finally after a couple green lights, they hook me up to the junk. Last Friday many of you know I had a PET scan to see the progress of the treatment and how I'm responding, etc.  So this was an important day.  I was going to find out if all of this, these last 3 months, the treatments, the sickness, the countless appointments was worth it.  And yet again, He does not disappoint. On July 14, 2008 I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma, today, October 8, 2008, I am cancer free.  

Because all of the physical evidence of cancer (lumps in my neck) was gone and the itchy feet and legs had ceased, I had a pretty good feeling.  But to hear it from someone with a Ph.D and to see it on a picture.  It was a big moment for me.  I was immediately surprised by a sudden burst of emotion, but I looked at my dad and we were in sync.  Both crying. Both elated. Both chomping at the bits to get on the phone & actually have some good news. 

I will, however, be completing my treatments as scheduled to avoid any reoccurrence.  My initial reaction was to chuck the deuces but why not finish her out? And make sure I never have to do this again.  So I had my 5th of 12 treatments today and I'm good.  I'm happy, I'm healthy, I'm hungry....but thats normal lately.  Yeah by the way I'm the only person to gain weight during chemo.  I like to do things different.  Anways, thank you all for all your prayers and support and just rallying behind us.  It's not over but there's light at the end of the tunnel and I'm humbled and thankful.  Excuse my language but cancer's ass has officially been kicked. Athank you I'll be here all week.  

MUCH LOVE

Christie

Quick Update

It has been too long people....my apologies.  Today was my third treatment. Blah.  I was unwittingly under the impression that I was having my 3rd of 6th treatment. Not so much. I learned today this is going to go on until January 14th. Are you kidding me? I kinda freaked out. That just seems like such a long time, and such a large amount of toxins being dumped into my body. What can you do? 

The last couple months have been...not hard but just...different for me. Being in my early 20s, obviously I haven't been physically inhibited....ever. And it's very frustrating to me that there are limits to what I can do. There is no jumping up and just going somewhere. If I even feel like it...I gotta take aaaaaaaaall this nausea and headache medicine with me & I hate it. I hate not being in control. I hate not being my age. My grandad just recently turned 80 and the fact that he can't do all the things he's always done really just...infuriates him.  And I didn't get that until recently. Not that I just turned 80, but in the last couple months, I've had to admit that I can't do certain things. I stay up past midnight and I have to recover for like a week. Ugh. 

So I'm disappointed to say the least that this is lasting even longer than I initially thought.  It could be a lot worse. I hate to be a baby. BUT IM READY FOR THIS TO BE OOOOOVER!

Much Love & Peace

For the birds...

My parents, embracing the latter part of their life (kidding) have decided to turn our back yard into a replica of Ace Ventura's veranda.  We feed all stray animals, birds, squirrels, the occasional child, etc.  Part of this includes a small bird feeder hanging on one of the wooden posts of the back porch.  

I come out to the back porch to have a nice cup of joe & to my surprise, there are like 800 birds covering the bird feeder, the surrounding rails, and the tree onlooking.  It doesn't take long for these birds' activities to draw me in. I'm watching, and all of the sudden, it's high school out there.  Although there's more than enough bird seed to go around, there's a small group of the birds that have fully dominated the feeder and aren't allowing ANY other birds to tread on what is now their territory.  I LOVE when things in nature prove that we too, are all a bunch of selfish animals.  Now these birds are legit.  They've got that feeder on lock and if an outsider tries to jump on and snatch a seed, they'd better be ready to take a pretty nasty peck down, because from where I'm sitting, that doesn't..."fly"(athank you).  There's even you're token odd ball bird who, bless his heart, is a dangerous shade of orange, a little rounder than the rest of the birds and has markings around his eyes that suggest he also wears glasses.  

So I get all noble.  I'm thinking, "these birds should just share and quit pecking each other. There's plenty to go around."  I thought about going over and "shooing" the mean birds away and giving the other guys a chance and I kid you not, the alpha bird kinda intimidated me.  What started as a courageous act of kindness ended in, "well...I don't want him to peck me and embarrass me in front of everyone."  I choked. 

Then I thought, watching the birds, this must be how God feels at times.  Although there's plenty to go around, and there's much more where that came from and you're better off trusting that and loving one another, we all feel the innate need to survive by pecking each other off the feeder. He says no worries. He says he's got this.  

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds in the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

-Matthew 6:25-26

*I go to the Dr. tomorrow for blood work, then the 27th for my 2nd treatment.*

1st Treatment

Well, although I wasn't expecting to, I had my first treatment today. We went in this morning at 10 to get the results of my pulmonary and echo tests and to meet with the doctor. Since both tests came back normal (hey im normal?) they were like, "Ok, we start today." I was like...um....WHOA?! Gimme a moment. But they let me go eat lunch and come back & then we went into the treatment area, which was kinda ballin'.  Each area had it's own little recliner & t.v. I was thinking, "Be careful...you don't know me, I might move in."  Anyway, just got home & took a shower and i feel really good. They gave me a ton of stuff for side effects before it even began so we should be okay.  I will get one treatment a week, then a week off, and so on.  So it'll be 6 cycles. 12 weeks. So....one down. Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers! More updates to come. MUCH LOVE

PEACE

Stir to the crazy

So...ever since I've been back in the Boss, aka Bossier, I've been a little...well....how do I put this...worthless.  I could tell you the entire lineup in 30 minute intervals of TBS and Lifetime but don't worry, I won't.  The last 4 months of my life I was fairly tied up with running 3 overly committed children around town but call me pathetic, it gave me a purpose! My personality is I NEED to be needed. And I'm pretty sure Home Improvement would keep on airing despite my loyalty. And I'm loyal.  I just wish there was a "Wilson" peering wisely over my back yard fence with some advice on my perils.  What the heck am I supposed to do all day? Really?  I'm asking. 

My most exciting news today was a  letter from the LSU Science Center thanking me for my participation in their tissue banking program. I'll take it.  

PEACE

Bad Hair Day

So just a quick update.  I go to the Dr. tomorrow for a follow up on the foreign object that was implanted last week.  (So many jokes available for that remark...so little time) On Wednesday I'll go meet with my doctors to make out a chemo schedule.  That'll never be a normal sentence for me to say. I'm discussing a chemo schedule? Wow.  It still hasn't fully set in I don't think.  I was sitting down earlier watching T.V.  I had just washed my hair so it was damp and all wavy.  I was shaking my head back and forth slowly causing my hair to hit my face.  Smelling the cucumber melon shampoo, tugging at it a little, twirling it, checking for split ends carefully.  For the first time since all of this began, I almost started crying praying, "God, please don't let me lose my hair."  Now, I'm a firm believer in praying for exactly what you're thinking. I mean, He knows what you're thinking anyway, right?  But lately I've been working on looking at things from other perspectives. Sometimes it's someone else's...sometimes it's God's. Just trying to remember it's not always about me. (even though it is. just kidding) So even though I don't want to lose my hair, and it's okay for me to pray about that, I prayed "God, keep my focus on YOU, if I lose my hair...okay.  It's just hair, it grows back."  

This isn't about me, or hair.  It's about trying in all things to see a different perspective, to ask God to help keep your focus on Him and His will and then watch him work on you. Watch the peace he brings. Because really at the end of the day, it's just hair. It grows back. 

PEACE

P.S- All of your feedback, words of encouragement have been more than you can imagine. Thank you all so much for being a part of it. 

I was blind...but now I see.

From time to time I read things I've written in the past.  I think it's important to remember where you've been. What you've been brought out of.  My bible study I did today talked about witnessing.  It talks about how when Paul witnessed, it wasn't his keen intellect or his ability to speak that gave him confidence in preaching the gospel, it was the Holy Spirit guiding him.  The following is an entry in my journal from April 11, 2008.  Eleven days after I arrived in Auburn. Still a little...coo coo. 

"Ironically enough my addictions in life are the only things that never seem to abandon me.  They are always there.  They're all I have. Without them, I'm 100% alone, and I'm not sure I could bear that.  Who would want to love someone as delusional as that?  I lie to convince myself not to end it all.  I lie to convince others not to think I'd be right to do so.  I don't exist in the truth, therefore I do not speak it. I could love someone like me.  That to me, is ironic."

It's not easy to be so open.  Those words are from the darkest time in my life but I believe it's important for people to know that it's never too late. You're never too gone. Another great verse that was mentioned in the bible study was John 9:25.  A blind man Jesus had healed with was able to simply and effectively express the facts of his experience.  "Whether he is a sinner or not, I do not know.  One thing I do know is, I was blind and now I see." 

PEACE

How much longer....

At some point during my transformation, I unwittingly prayed for patience.  In my mind, I imagined God sending the patience fairy down to me that very night while I was sleeping. He/She would sprinkle me with patient dust, maybe leave me some candies in various places, do a load of whites and get back to his/her route.  I would wake up the next morning, get stopped by trains, have to use a pharmacy, maybe even go to the DMV and none of those things would phase me because my patience dust was in tact.  My advice for you is simple: DO NOT pray for patience unless you're ready for God to give you opportunities to acquire patience. There are no fairies. There is no dust. No candies. Just things that tick you off. 

I went to the hospital at 7a.m. for my portacath (the thing i'll be getting chemo through) to be placed inside my chest.  8a.m. I'm called from the waiting room and put into a semi-private hospital room, given a gown and an I.V. and told they would be coming to get me shortly for my procedure.  At 10a.m. I was told that it would be within the hour.  Now, keep in mind, I hadn't been allowed to eat of drink anything since midnight the night before because I would be put  to sleep during the procedure.  11 comes and goes. As does noon. By 1:00 I was ready to snatch out my I.V and run down the hall, gown blowing in the wind, the staff eating my dust. I was so frustrated.  Finally, at 2p.m, 7 hours after my arrival, I was taken back to (get this) another holding area where I waited another 30 minutes being prepped and whatnot.  Now, I'm still trying to hold it together but I won't lie, I was not a happy camper. I was unpleasant to say the least.  The nurse in the holding area and I started talking about what could have POSSIBLY happen that would've taken as long as it did.  A man went into surgery and was going to have his cancer removed.  However, when they opened him up, it was everywhere.  I'm not sure if they were able to do anything for him or if they sewed him up and referred him to hospice. I do know at that moment, I was thankful that my biggest problem that day was waiting.  And waiting and waiting.  12 hours after I arrived at the hospital, I arrived home.  1 Thessalonians 5:18 says "Give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Jesus Christ." My surgery went perfectly, I'll start chemo in a week. I have a long way to go in the patience department. But I'm thankful. 

PEACE

Where it began...

Almost 4 months ago, I left Bossier City for Auburn, AL.  The past few years by life has been way off track.  My trip to Auburn was an act of desperation.  I felt like if I didn't leave soon, I would be dead, and what was scary is I wasn't sure I cared if I was.  Sin is a funny thing.  Once it gets it's foot in the door, before you know it, you've been completely handed over to your sin (Romans 1) and you're in a total state of darkness. And boy was I.  My first year of college I became addicted to drugs and most of the lifestyle that surrounds it.  I attempted to get clean September of last year but relapsed in early 2008.  I hearted speed. On April 1st 2008 I drove all night (9hrs) to Auburn to my Carter's. A wonderful family I met back when I was 14 while in my youth group.  Only by the grace of God did they take me in, made me part of their family, and allowed me to regroup.  I had no idea how long I would stay or if it would be beneficial to anyone. I came with the mindset that my way hadn't yet worked for me so I was willing to give God another shot. Maybe even a real shot.  I began going to church with them and studying the bible regularly and poof...not really poof I gotta long way to go, but here I am now, writing about the grace of God and how He saved my life.  My happiness is no longer depending on people or drugs or things.  It is invested solely in Him and my joy is in the Lord.  Those of you who knew me over the last few years mouth's probably just dropped. And you're why I'm writing...keep reading.  

July 2, 2008 I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma.  Cancer. What the crap, right?  Finally, I get my life together and now this.  I can't tell you why I'm going through this yet. I can tell you HOW.  Nothing is chance or accident.  I fully believe I went to Auburn to be physically and spiritually ready for the battle I'm up against.  This cancer is fully beatable and I have an amazing group of family and friends rallying behind me.  This may sound strange but a part of me is excited to see what all good can come of this.  My God is bigger than this and I'm taking it in stride.  So this blog will be my journal through this time.  I hope those who read it understand that I am seeking no pity, nor am I seeking a pat on the back.  I'm simply trying to shed some light on a dark situation.  

PEACE